As a child, Carolina’s desire was to be like anyone except her mother, who she described as having unfulfilled dreams, i.e., no husband, unsuccessful in her business, and unable to relocate as she dreamed. She felt her mother was always jealous and resentful of her success. She stated her goal was to be cleared of her strong tendency to attract jealous and insecure women who tried to do her harm. When I asked if she felt jealousy toward others, she adamantly declared not.
When I asked about her reaction to the people who are jealous of her and try to do her harm, she described two reactions. One was to keep all emotions held in, making a motion with her hand, as if putting a lid on something. Her other reaction was to harm them, not with her words but with her thoughts.
When I suggested to her that she was engaging in warfare but declaring herself innocent, she didn’t agree. I explained that what she was experiencing outside of herself was also inside herself; their jealousy and attacks were also hers. However, she believed that it had to do with something else, an unexplainable energy that she was sure I would be able to detect and remove.
In our work together, she was able to identify her own jealous reactions to others. Through our discussions of the universal law of mind action, she recognized her dilemma. She was attracting the thing she most despised, jealous women!
Carolina’s dilemma lives in all of us. Our shadow is a magnet! It shows up in others upon which we declare war−hoping that we can eradicate what we do not see nor accept in our self. Then comes the time to face the truth.
Caroline went on to have a healthy relationship with herself, her mother and her faculty supervisor who was a woman.
Soul Retrieval & Michelle’s Story
As I read and worked with clients, I became convinced that we come into each lifetime with lessons to learn and the need to transcend the pain that comes along with them. Our soul, guardian spirit, and spirit allies are with us to help us seek solutions and resolutions by bringing to us opportunities to heal. Our soul knows that our wounds desperately want and need to be acknowledged, noticed, brought to light, not to be ruminated over from a victim perspective but rather to be understood and soothed, no longer gnawing at us.
For the healing process to be effective, it is important to find its source. Too often our energies are spent focused on a current crisis, unaware that its source is way upstream. Deep in the Lower World not only lies the energy of the original wound, there is also the energy of the limiting belief(s) formed out of that emotional chaos. With trauma, we experience what Jungian psychologists and shamans refer to as soul loss. Our Self becomes disjointed, as different aspects of the traumatic experience are fragmented and divided into compartments. The split within Self needs to be healed, the soul parts retrieved, found in the different levels of the Lower World. An example of how trauma leads to limiting beliefs and soul loss is helpful.
Michelle came to see me to feel more comfortable in her new professional role. The source of her discomfort went way back. At the age of nine her father passed away. He didn’t die of a heart attack, he died because she was not enough for him to live. A message this little girl told herself, “If I were enough - lovable enough - enough for him to live for, he would be alive.” She remembers going into her room after she found out her father was dead and closing the door, a door she describes as a door to the outside world. She began living the story of “not enough” - the outside world showing up again and again as evidence that the story was true. Relationships were the brick and mortar for this belief. One relationship after another dissolved into disappointment and separation. The other person not quite being enough to sustain her interest and love or on other occasions she wasn’t enough to sustain theirs.
Winning the Ironman competition, running, swimming, biking for twelve hours straight, not once but twice did not suffice in relinquishing the story. Neither could she run fast enough to leave the pain behind. External pursuits were paramount and helping others became an outlet for her internal pain.
Our ‘chat’ began with a current life concern. It always does. She talked about her difficulty in carrying out her own teaching agenda. Each week she would develop a ninety-minute nutrition class but would not stick to her own class agenda. She preferred to just be with the students and not use all the prepared script. But she found this frustrating and she was curious about the behavior. In our chat, we discovered that she felt the script was someone else’s content, her professor’s content, the facts and figures that she learned in nutrition school. “I want to have at least fifteen minutes of the beginning of my class to be mine, to do what I want to do.”
Well, this was curious. Why did she need to feel that she had to squeeze out a little bit of class time for herself; it was all hers. Emmm, having to squeeze a little bit out for herself. When I restated that out loud tears came, not to her eyes initially but to my eyes, I had stepped into her pain There it was, a belief, a pattern, so engrained that it was playing itself out even in her class delivery.
She shared that her mother and twin sisters all had the same serious chronic illness, an illness that consumed much of their lives, and hers too it seemed. She was living a belief that there wasn’t enough room in her home for her full self, for her trials and tribulations, her pains, her disappointments, her challenges. There was only room for part of her, the part that could complete an Ironman race. The original soul contract read, No matter how hard I try, I will never be enough.
She rewrote that soul contract that day and began to integrate her new belief that she was more than enough. As she remained true to feeling enough, the soul part that had returned that day, was able to integrate into herself. The outcome was remarkable. She found someone with whom she did not have to try so hard, as she felt she was already enough.